Letter to Premika Varadan

Many ‘Radhe! Radhe!’ to my dear Premikavaradan!!

Premikavarada! You must have warmed up and your face blossomed on reading the name of Radha! For quite some time now I have been wondering about placing a question to you.

Well! What good would it do to just keep wondering? Time is running out. So today I have taken courage to pen a letter to you. My prostration to Mother Sri Rukmini who has set precedence and shown us the way.

How restless a mother gets when her child is afflicted with some disease or does not possess intelligence? If the child happens to be challenged mentally or physically handicapped in some way or the other, how disturbed would the mother be! Would she not run here and there trying to find some or any kind of treatment to cure the child?

Am I not your child? How is it that you tolerate me while even I feel disgusted with myself who has no wisdom, devotion and dispassion (jnana, bhakti, vairagya). Can you not find a solution to this? Is there anything beyond you? I do not like the way I am eating, sleeping, spending time wastefully and fattening up my body. Is my birth meant only for fattening this bag of flesh? It is said that everything is only due to God’s grace and nothing happens because of one’s smartness. Well! Be it so. Can you not grace me?

Should you look for an auspicious day and time for this? Are you heartless? Or would it be demeaning to you? Do not say ‘How am I to grace you who are worthless?’ for that verily calls for your grace! Why do those who are capable need your grace? It may be said ‘There is nothing called grace. If you are lazy would the Lord bless you? You have to do japa, dhyana, parayana, kirtana.’

Don’t I desire to do sadhana? But this lethargic ghost of a mind does not permit me to do this. Even if I manage to do a little of these I can see that my mind is not involved in it; or I do it only to show off! At times I feel it’s better to do even if it’s only to show off and begin to do them.

Love is needed to do sadhana; if not love at least desire should be there to do sadhana. Well! Even if there is no desire at least one could do it mechanically. But even for this one needs the assistance of the mind: and in that case, unless you enter into my mind and intellect and work, I will not do them.

Days are passing by. As I grow in age it would become difficult to sit or walk or do anything all by myself. At such times the mind would only be concerned with the afflictions of the body. Mere thought of death is frightening. While I am unable to bear even a small pain in the body how am I going to bear the pain of death?

If I begin to list my shortcomings there will be no end to it, yet I dare to comment on others’ defects. I have failed to bring into practice the teachings of so many Mahans. I have not corrected myself. But I have the audacity to advice others. It is said that one who desires liberation should renounce his desire for worldly and heavenly pleasures. Let us not bother about heavenly pleasures for neither do we know anything about it nor understand it. Is it not verily your Maya that creates desire for worldly pleasures? I beg of you – ‘Can you not remove that Maya from me?’ Are you truly desirous of taking me ashore? My mind is filled with all mental imprints (vasanas) of desire, fear, anger, etc. When will you grace me? How can further births be stopped if I die with all these vasanas? Even this birth is unbearable; what have I achieved in this birth? I am going to be born again and suffer and not achieve anything. Well! Boldly have I committed several sinful acts. Fear grips me even now when I think of the sufferings I have to undergo in the dark worlds when I leave this physical body.

Just a little japa and dhyana… my ego bloats and I deem myself a Guru! I go overboard if these happen by sheer coincidence or when I have divine experiences. ‘Mahatma’ is verily one who has won over name and fame. But the problem here is the desire is to become a ‘famous’ Mahatma!

O, what to say of the mind’s maya! If surrender is the way, I am unable to do it. There have been times when I have not had money, had no cloth to wear, have not been wise, had not owned anything. Even this body has been acquired only in this birth. However, the thought ‘I’ and ‘mine’ have been with me from time immemorial. Giving up ‘I’ and ‘mine’ is said to be surrender. What kind of a play is this? How is this possible?

Consider this letter very SERIOUSLY and get into action IMMEDIATELY!

From MadhuraMurali magazine 2018 issue

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